What Stuck Sounds Like
I ask some version of this question all the time.
This summer I finally asked it properly: a survey to the women in my corner of the internet, real questions about their actual days.
22 wrote back. Most of them in their forties, most carrying a job and a family at the same time. And 18 told me they're in or entering perimenopause.
Here is what “stuck” sounds like:
Every line below is real. Shared with permission, kept anonymous, edited only for typos.
"I'm constantly telling myself I can restart tomorrow and then weeks go by!"
"I start and then it gets pushed to last priority then I fail then I feel shame. Start again. Same cycle."
"My routine is built around everyone else's routine, and when something in theirs switches then mine is the first to give."
"Time and routine (work / school runs / kids activities) with everything and everyone else - but me."
"I stay up late to make up for me-time that I don't get to during the day."
"There is an overwhelming amount of information out there that often contradicts and honestly is totally unrealistic when you try to do it all. Too much protein, not enough protein? carbs or no carbs? ... oh and lets add perimenopause into that mix too."
And one woman answered with a single word: "Exhausted."
I've read these over enough times to recite them. A few things I notice on every pass.
The answers are about time, and about everyone else coming first. Shame runs underneath almost all of them. Information barely comes up. The one woman who mentioned it said there's too much of it, and it contradicts itself.
Of the 22 women, 17 have started over at least a handful of times. 8 told me they'd lost count. 13 picked the words "frustrated with myself" to describe how that feels.
"Frustrated with myself." As if the problem was just her.
Look at the quotes again, though. A routine that is first to give whenever anyone else's changes. Me-time that only exists after 10pm, with a pile of contradictory advice and perimenopause stirred in on top of it all.
That is a life with no slack in it. A plan doesn't fail in there because the woman is weak. It fails because it was built for a calmer week than the one she actually has.
Then I asked the flip side: what would “unstuck” look like?
Most industry marketing sells the big version - new body, new life, unrecognizable in X amount of time.
But the answers I got were smaller than that. And they've stayed with me longer than any before-and-after ever has.
"The routine would probably be the same ... but I think the feeling during the day would be different. And that would also make me a calmer parent and partner."
"To wake up not tired."
"Go to sleep at a decent hour without doom scrolling all night!"
"I am home, watching a movie with my husband, with a glass of wine."
"Truthfully currently its more absent listening and rushing them to bed to finish emails. If i can turn around that part of my day and truly focus on family time this would be a massive win."
And the one I can't shake:
"I don't hide in my car feeling like I am ugly. I am socializing and having fun with my other mom friends. I sleep through the night and I don't wake at 3am stressed."
And my own, because this is me too:
"To feel like I'm still in control of my life, even when it's stressful."
A movie. A glass of wine. Sleeping through the night. That's the dream they typed in, word for word.
Same Tuesday, different feeling.
The women I work with aren't asking to become someone else. They're asking to live the same ordinary day and still hold onto themselves inside it.
Want to answer this one?
This site now has a page for exactly this. One question, always open. This is the first one, and I read every answer myself.
So, tell me yours. What's keeping you stuck? Two words or two paragraphs. Completely anonymous.
I'm building this place for women who are done starting over. Every answer makes it truer.
Alex Maxwell is a nutrition and stress recovery coach, a certified menopause coach, and the founder of Rise Unstuck. She helps women build the habits that hold when life is full, so a hard week stops meaning another Day 1.
She drinks her water before her coffee. Most days.
